Sunday, June 29, 2003
opal diamond emerald sapphire pearl garnet PLAY-PARTY everyone's at the bonfire. i have this woken-up feeling i get alot lately. like i am asleep in the lotus field and sometimes get a tiny glimpse. it comes from out of the fragments: this messy girl behind me sits down and says to someone else i was so hungry, i went home and had some food and its so weirdly resonant and insignificant and plain and just like some other time and place, the art building, grace street and bars and clubs and the peopled streets, oh richmond i want to cry, i have been here so so so so so so so so sos so so long, that every second vibrates with memories and associations, and i don't want everything in layers anymore, and i am scared, and i feel like i will be utterly adrift forever, and
listen to me, i am miserable. i am drying up here. i am leaving you. because you are killing me. the story of the girl who grows weak and dead from staying still. the story of the hands caught up in the complicated pattern. the story of the shimmering party and the shimmering people, and that which makes you feel so alone and dead and empty and fucking lost. i was so fucking excited when i looked into the mirror with those grey contact lenses and did not recognize myself. last night i rode a bike around the streets that are named after states and it was just like some other time and i said to myself what have you done? where has your fucking world gone to? what have you done to yourself? and at what cost? i don't recognize my thoughts, my methods, my days, my anything.
what has fucking happened!