Thursday, June 19, 2003
unloading fragments from last years journals
it's a strange day; i had it mostly to myself and maybe that is why. i always get depressed when left alone too long in the day time, and i still crave it terribly anyway. today i cleaned the house slowly and bathed and listened to fevers and mirrors and daydreamed over the songs. i will change my life, i thought to myself. i will write letters, take photographs again; i walked to MCV library to use the internet, hoping andrew would be in a good mood; we walked home together and he wasn't. i shared my umbrella, i said, i hoped you'd be in a good mood. he talked about how richmond's downtown is a rotting corpse; i looked into empty storefronts and swung my arms happily---i am delighted to be walking and to have someone else around that is sadder---it rained harder, always pointed towards us. hair drip drip and bangs flat across my forehead in strings. i will read r.d. laings's self and others, i will write letters. listen to the songs again, maybe twice more if andrew will have it. stories and remembering what i love, like old books and symbolism and drinking. and you.
malaga is warm and nighttime and no de la guerra posters and i feel like i could stay here and disappear. warm nights. walking. it always seems like one could walk and walk and walk through the night and let it all run out (your time, like using pay-by-the-mintues internet in cafes) ----just walk and walk and then disappear, with no pain or struggle or acknowledgement of vanishing. slip into the sidewalk. what was that book about the boy that lived in the subway tunnels and never came out? you seriously need to find that book and re-read it. and write damian emails. today is nicholas's 25th birthday.
cars driving into the sun
tea, coffee, basil
something feverish. awake late, haunted. the hurricane at all the windows.
i'm allowing myself to get lost and need very much to stop. i am escaping. i am forgetting things. i'm unaware.
i care about things!
the things we can't share with each other. everything. perception and communication.